Well, Thank Goodness

Friends! Countrymen! Lend me your ears!

Know how the turnpike is like uber ridiculous? Remember how it was supposed to only be set up to receive a toll for like 2 years and then it would be paid off and people - the normal, working-class, proletariat- would be able to drive on it for free? And I'm sure you're aware that it's been about 80 years now and it still costs a WHOLE DOLLAR to go roughly 100 yards from Broadway Extension to Western?

I think the reason we all have been so frustrated with the pricey toll fare is because we haven't seen any sort of product from this monetary compensation. For example, if we are giving them all this money, shouldn't there be performers on the side of the road with cupcakes and free car washes? Shouldn't every other mile of road be paved with candy canes? Shouldn't renowned motivational speakers be flagging us down to hop in our cars and give us the meaning of life?

Well, fret no more. I've found where all our money is going. And I think you will be pleased. If you are ever traveling Westbound (and Eastbound, actually, as I've come to observe) on the turnpike from Broadway Extension to, say, N. Penn, look to the right just after you go through the toll. But look quickly. There's about a four foot by four foot garden that has been planted in the space where travelers merge as if we are being handed a lollipop after a sharp blow to the back of the head. WHACK! Oh! A flower!

These 9 billion dollar gardens are, of course, maintained and groomed by the little turnpike oompa loompas, so don't forget that some of our money is going to them. For example, about a week after I noticed the garden on the North side of the highway, I was driving by and happened to notice a crew of about 48 men in orange vests planting an identical four foot by four foot garden on the South side of the highway. Bless their hearts, I'm sure it was a very long and arduous process. I can easily understand why it is costing us so much to keep them out there making our travel experience pleasurable.

I hope knowing all of this is a relief to those of you who travel the turnpike, the blessed stretch of road that is forever marked with exclusivity due to the shiny oasis of deciduous life growing from it's expensive loins.