Now Hiring: My Entourage

It’s come to my attention lately that I may or may not possess certain qualities that may or may not make me fabulous. Since being fabulous in our society generally means you are popular and beautiful and wealthy, I think it’s high time I start living my life according to these standards. So, I’m posting this announcement to encourage the application process for positions that will complete my celebrity entourage. I am currently hiring for the following positions:

Eyelash Technician: Those of you who have had the pleasure of seeing me in person know that I have the ability to fan a sweaty Greek god with my eyelashes. I often face the accusation that my eyelashes are fake. They are, in fact, real and sometimes quite a hassle. Therefore, the eyelash technician will be responsible for combing my eyelashes every 45 minutes, 15 times for each eye. The combing process will immediately be followed by a re-application of MAC’s Zoom Lash mascara, 15 strokes for each eye. The eyelash technician will also be responsible for maintaining ample amounts of said Zoom Lash mascara, as I’m sure to go through roughly 2 or 3 bottles a day.

Height Management Specialist: Given the fact that I’m just shy of 5’9”, it is very important that the position of Height Management Specialist be filled with someone who is eager to ensure that I am never in the presence of any member of the opposite sex who is shorter than me. If such a person enters my presence, the HMS’s responsibility will be to place that person on an elevated plain and/or provide them with shoe lifts. Likewise, this person will need to carry with them heels of varying heights so that I can change shoes at a moments notice depending on whose company I will be enjoying. Since most of my celebrity attire requires at least a 3 inch stiletto, the HMS’s main priority will be to weed out men who are not at least 6 feet tall (unless an elevated plain and/or the afore mentioned shoe lifts are within close proximity).

Spiritual Advisor(s): This position is really only available to two men. John Piper and Donald Miller. If you feel like you exemplify either one of these gentlemen’s spiritual prowess, then feel free to apply, but please be of the understanding that the interview process will be strenuous and will most likely take place in a bar. The John Piper-esque applicant will be required to challenge my spiritual discipline. I will need this person to encourage me in the practice of the following: fasting, praying, meditation, and community service. Similarly, the Donald Miller applicant for spiritual advisement will need to be eager to indulge my humanity, often encouraging me to drink beers with fellow Christians and occasionally taking me on long walks through various wooded areas to which my pilot, Fernando, will take us upon request.

Body Contact Coordinator: Those seeking employment in this position will be in charge of consistently making sure that my back gets scratched from the moment I wake up until the moment I fall asleep. This person should preferably not take up too much space, as my other glamour assistants will need to work fluidly around them. This person should also have a keen intuition as to when I would like the services to switch from scratching to massaging. In addition, my BCC will also be responsible for coordinating with the Height Management Specialist all other forms of bodily contact which may or may not become necessary with certain gentlemen who are 6 feet tall or more.