Elevator Awkwardness

I'm sure many of you lovely people have experienced those times in your life when you are forced into an intimate situation without knowing the person with whom you are sharing the intimacy. I'm talking about the elevator. There's a standard our society has set for almost every situation in life except this one. It's as if life just hands you this little bucket of awkwardness and says "Here. Deal with it." Some of us deal with it very well by talking about the weather (suitable for everyone), the awesome football/basketball/hockey/soccer/baseball game (suitable mostly for the guys), or last night's episode of Grey's Anatomy/The Bachelor/Desperate Housewives/American Idol (particularly suitable for the ladies).

To all of you who manage to make those elevator rides a little less uncomfortable, I thank you. You truly exemplify what it means to step outside ourselves and reach into the lives of others, if only for the timespan of however long it takes to get from the Lobby to the third floor.

However, there are those of us who still have yet to figure out how to handle the inevitable situation of being one on one with a stranger in an elevator. If this is you, then I want you to know that I'm here to tell you the awkwardness ends now. Today. This moment. I'm going to outline several instances in which certain levels of discomfort may arise (pun intended) on an elevator. I will also provide you with easy tools to help deal with them so that you and your strange elevator partner will be able to part company with ease and satisfaction.

Awkward Elevator Situation Number 1: The Button Watcher.

This situation usually occurs in most business/doctor's office settings, where the elevator passenger has much more on their mind than friendly banter. This intrusive amount of thinking forces them to lean their head back and stare blankly at the tiny numbers above the doors watching them progressively light up as the elevator ascends.

Now, I want you to take full advantage of their body language in this situation. Their pre-occupied brain and their tilted head stance has clearly given you the perfect opportunity to step in gradually behind them, lean quietly forward, and smell their neck. You will want to use caution here, however, especially if you are a man and your predestined elevator passenger happens to be a girl. If this is the case, gentlemen, I strongly suggest that no words be exchanged. A small whiff will be sufficient.

But for all other situations, ladies and gentlemen, please feel free to comment on the remarkable aroma exuding from their neckline. This is going to be most effective if the tone you use is soft and breathy, so as not to frighten your fellow passenger. After the exchange has taken place, step back and smile, because, friend, you have just overcome awkward elevator situation number one.

Awkward Elevator Situation Number 2: The Key Fiddler/Purse Digger

We've all seen it. You step on an elevator with a person and they deliberately avoid eye contact with you and intentionally divert their interest to the number of keys on their keychain or the number of loose gum wrappers in their purse. You might feel somewhat offended, and you should be! This is the second most offensive elevator relationship scenario (see Awkward Elevator Situation Number 3 for the most offensive).

Here's how I suggest we handle this situation. Just like in our first scenario, I want you to take a very close look at the body stance of this thoughtless passenger. Clearly, they are going to have their head down and their focus averted. Wait until the doors close, count to five, and then throw your keys or cell phone at their downward tilted head. Inevitably, this will grab their attention and put the focus back on you, where it belongs. Chances are they will look at you in astonishment and fear. If this happens just casually say "I know. Right?" And bug your eyes out in disbelief so that they can understand that THEY are the ones in the wrong here, not you.

If all goes according to planned, you will be laughing about it by the time you reach your destination. (Note: Do not attempt this on anyone who (a) is wearing all leather (b) has more visible tattoos than you (c) is carrying a briefcase while wearing dark glasses and an Armani suit or (d) could possibly be carrying a concealed weapon.)

Awkward Elevator Situation Number 3: The Cell-Phone Talker

Again, this has probably happened to all of us. You walk into an elevator with a person, offer them a friendly smile, and they shun you by carrying on with their conversation about lame things like "business meetings" and "Aunt Patty's life threatening disease." Come on. How rude can you be? These absurdly inconsiderate elevator passengers clearly have one thing on their mind...themselves. So, as in situation number 2, I want you to think of ways to bring the attention back to yourself. Engage them. Make them want to hang up with the person on the other end of that darn modern technological relationship destroyer.

Here's my recommendation: Make sex noises. This sure-fire method has the potential of immediately grabbing not only your estranged passenger's attention, but quite possibly the attention of the person he/she is talking to, as well. If that is the case, then pat yourself on the back. Success. You will have to keep in mind, however, that this person will have one of two responses. He/she will either be wildly intrigued by your sudden orgasmic outburst or (worst-case scenario) he/she will threaten violent bodily harm because the person they were talking to happened to be their spouse and now you've ruined their marriage, blah blah blah. If that happens, you should just smile and say "Hey, man. You were the one being rude, talking on the phone during our elevator ride." Hopefully, they will understand, and, again, you will be laughing hysterically about it by the time you reach your destination...hopefully.