I acquired something today. Something extravagant and dainty and flowy and wow...



It was $300. Now, before you jump to any judgmental conclusions about what an unnecessary expense this was, I would just like to inform you that I didn't pay for it. And before you jump to the next judgmental conclusion that I'm a spoiled little brat with Daddy's credit card, I would just like to inform you that he didn't pay for it either. Neither was it purchased by any other member of my family. Or a friend. It was, however, bought for $300 for me on this day by a person who intended me to have it. So, let's play a little game I like to call 'who's blessing Katy with frivolous party frocks?'

First Guess: My Pimp

Granted, Dante DOES purchase most of my social ensembles. However, most of the stuff he picks out for me to wear costs him around twenty dollars and some change. Also, it's a standard requirement that any outfit obtained by Dante for me to wear must be of the leather textile family and must be one of three pre-approved shades of black. And besides, Dante and I aren't speaking right now on account of his failure to disclose to me my most recent client's wire hanger fetish. So, no. He did not buy me the dress.

Second Guess: Harvard University's Fertilization Clinic

Harvard has been trying to contact me for quite some time concerning their desire to purchase my unused eggs for fertilization research. Based upon my excellent intelligence, high cheekbones, strong calf muscles, and the ability to jump rope my own arms, Harvard has offered me $20,000 for the essence of my reproductivity. It seems that women of my caliber are pretty hard to come by these days and their persistent flattery has enticed me to at least consider their offer, but I have not proceeded with any further plans with them. So, no. They are not responsible for my new dress, either.

Third Guess: Oprah

We all know that Oprah is a pretty generous lady. And I have a very strong feeling that if she were to have been in town today with a camera crew, her best friend Gail, and footage of me dropping out of school to take care of my 25 orphaned brothers and sisters, she probably would have bought me this dress. And maybe a few Sonic gift cards. But, friends, Oprah was indeed not in town today and I have a pretty good feeling that her random acts of kindness aren't so much random seeing as how they are scripted, scheduled, and syndicated all across America. So, really, if you think about it, Oprah's pretty selfish and, damnit, who does she think she is! Great...now I need a tissue. Oprah really does make people cry. Bitch.

So, yeah...none of these guesses were correct and, well, I'm sorry to say that I am absolutely not going to disclose how this dress came into my possession. I'll just let you wonder and come up with some clever possibilities on your own.

And, while you're pondering, think about this little critter and how cute and invisible she thinks she is in my dress hanger upper bag...